Romance Is Rape By Seduction
By Adam Shane Lawes
MY DIARY DIGITAL DATA ENTRY 55 OF 145
Tonight when I
woke up I applied the first coat of black paint over the undercoat of rust
primer paint that I painted the walls, roof and floor with last night - And
then after I painted the iron walls, roof and floor of my catacomb chamber
room, I went and had my nightly meal from the church charity food van at the
industrial market carpark, and then I came back here to the cemetery - And as I
waited for the black paint to dry enough for me to return to my catacomb
chamber room - I wandered again throughout the cemetery grounds and I have been
thinking about what I have been through in my life and what makes me feel
either uncomfortable or comfortable in this world. For despite the actual
hardships of being homeless now - for the first time probably in my whole life
so far - I actually feel some sense of personal freedom without the pressures
of being enslaved by a cruel, corrupt corporation anymore, or society's
educational institutions and the horrible stepfamily that I had to grow up with
- For now I can feel my sense of individuality emerging and becoming stronger
within me - So now dressed in my dirty, dark black suit and hiding down here
beneath the dirt in the cemetery - I actually feel comfortable within myself
and a sense of personal freedom by now existing as some kind of dirty,
devilish, gangster gypsy - For I have always felt extremely uncomfortable,
awkward and uptight to the point of anxiety whenever I have had to dress formally
- especially in the horrible, sterile, dull, impersonal and conservative
uniforms that are the dress codes of many conservative corporate jobs and/or
conservative corporate job interviews - but now I don't have to wear the dress
code that has been dictated to people by conservative people - For now 'living'
here in the cemetery and existing now as this dirty, devilish, gangster gypsy
down in my catacomb chamber room - I can be myself and feel comfortable wearing
this dirty, devilish, gangster gypsy black suit. And also, I guess in actuality
now - I am no longer really literally homeless - for I am building myself a
home now here in Melbourne Cemetery down in my catacomb chamber room. And in
terms of religion - I have gone from being baptised as a Catholic as a baby and
living in suburbia but with no religion preached to me or going to church after
that except to do my holy communion as a young child when I first then lived in
a caravan trailer park, but I am no longer a Catholic nor any other form of Christian
(although I am on the side of Jesus Christ in the holy war against the
ad-Dajjal that will happen as prophesied in Syria), then after the caravan
trailer park on the Gold Coast I lived in a flat above a takeaway food shop,
and then a broken home on a horrible horse farm under atheist Anglo-Saxon
Australians, then on the Gold Coast whilst being surrounded by the
metaphysically meaningless and psychically harmful and stupidly titled
'new-age spiritual people', who like my malicious atheist stepmother, the
horrible psychically harmful and metaphysically meaningless stupidly
titled 'new-age spiritual people' attacked me telling me I was not allowed
to do my art-work especially my writing which is my passion, and they also
tried to say I was not allowed to spend time alone and they said I had
psychological problems for wanting to spend time alone, especially analysing
and also especially to do my art-work and especially my writing which is my
passion, as like my malicious atheist stepmother, spiritual people have not
dealt with their issues, and when you are alone is when you deal with your
painful personal-political issues, including through also making art and
analysing which is why people like my malicious atheist stepmother and the
psychically harmful and metaphysically meaningless stupidly titled 'new-age
spiritual people' so wrongfully demonise spending time alone and they are
also against me making art as they are against my dark aesthetics as
the psychically harmful and metaphysically meaningless stupidly titled
'new-age spiritual people' so immaturely and so stupidly and wrongfully assign
false morality to colours and they cruelly colonially and so wrongfully
racially demonise the colour black, so they then cruelly and so wrongfully
attack and are against people like me with dark aesthetics analysing
and making art, however in my late teens thankfully I heard and then saw live
as the first band that I saw as a teen, after years without being allowed to
listen to music by my malicious atheist stepmother, the band INXS with Michael
Hutchence singing which gave me the inspiration and courage to then spend time
alone analysing and doing my art-work including my writing which is my
main passion and my own self-study - and then later along with my own self-studies,
I moved to Melbourne to study a university degree in Religion (specialising in
Islam), Art History (specialising in art and its political influence)
and Strategic Studies (military studies specialising in
psychological warfare) with Damascus University as my exchange university in
Melbourne, however halfway through my university degree, when I had just
completed thirteen units, in the year 2000 the university axed everything I was studying
saying it was irrelevant, and later I became a muslim 'revert' to
try and sincerely see if Islam is right for me, however now I am no longer a muslim, however I still respect Sunni Islam, and the prophet of Islam is Sunni and I have
had a psychic vision from God that the Shia muslims are on the wrong path of Islam
at the start of Islam in history, and they realise this but then they wrongfully
keep going down the wrong path of Shia Islam instead of reverting to Sunni
Islam. And in my life I have had many metaphysical-supernatural experiences as I became more metaphysically focused because I initially wanted to know
for real whether we have a spirit/soul or not and so I prayed/asked for proof
and then I began having these strange eerie experiences when I slept as I would
become conscious when I was sleeping and I felt the eerie powerful presence of
something beyond human in the room with me at the end of my bed as it stood
dark and tall and shrouded in darkness but it did not feel like a human spirit
and I would feel my whole body vibrating from my head to my feet faster and
faster and it initially frighteningly felt like my spirit/soul was being pulled
by that possible preternatural dark deity out of my body and to my death so I
fought it and had to consciously fight myself by shaking myself awake as
frightened I would reach out to turn on my bedside lamp because the dark then
felt so eerie and frightening with that presence but my hand would go straight
through the lamp and then eventually I would shake myself and wake myself up in
fear straight from alert sleeping consciousness to alert awake consciousness
- and this continued to happen here and there and always seemingly with
the help of that powerful presence of a possible preternatural deity in my room
making this happen to me – and then one day I overcame my fear and my
spirit/soul lifted out of my physical body and I looked down upon it and then
became frightened and went straight back into my physical body and being
wide-awake – which then proved to me without a doubt that we have a soul-spirit
and I later found out that in theology this is termed the experience of
'ecstasy’ and by new age spiritual people it is termed “astral travel” – and
then I would have these out of body experiences here and there and always
naturally and each time I would gain the courage to go further including out of
my home and into the night – and one time during one of these out of body
experiences I felt two powerful seemingly preternatural deities on either side
of me but when I tried to look at them they would not let me and they took my
spirit/soul to the planet Mars but then when we got close we were forcefully
flung away from the planet and back to earth again by a very powerful but
invisible energy which to this day I wonder if it was of energy entities that
exist on Mars and/or the energy of Mars itself that does not want or allow our
earth human spirit/soul to go and exist there?! And in addition to this I have
had premonitions like in 1996 I was holidaying in Hobart, Tasmania, Australia
for three months and when I arrived there I felt this overwhelming feeling of
dread that something really bad was going to happen so I went to a psychic for
the fist time out of fear that something bad was going to happen to me or my
family that I love but although she amazingly saw everything distinctively
important from my past even though she had only just met me, she could not see
anything bad happening to my family or myself, but I never visited Port Arthur
whilst I was on holiday there and instead I booked my boat trip to leave
Tasmania the week before the Port Arthur Massacre happened for the week after
it actually happened – And also in May 2001 I woke and saw at the end of my bed
a vivid vision of so many people who were all dressed in corporate suits and
attire but they were all grey and I instinctively could tell they were
physically dead and in that vision they were all going down in their masses on
either plane or building escalators into the spirit underworld and then 9-11
happened a few months later that September – and I have also seen a friend put
a loaded gun into his mouth to commit suicide during a bad time in his life of
divorce and drug addiction and so upset and frightened I quickly rang him to
stop him as in my premonitions I cannot tell when it is going to happen I just
see and feel the premonitions - And in addition to these visions and
premonitions and out of body experiences, although I so far cannot feel or see
any spirits/souls/ghosts living here in the cemetery with me, I have however
had some horrible hauntings by physically dead human spirits/souls like when I
was in hospital as I described in a previous diary data entry, and also in some
homes that I have lived in where the spirits/souls of physically dead humans
who have not moved into the spirit-realm and have instead stayed here in the
physical realm possibly out of fear of punishment for wrongful behaviour that
they did when they were physically alive - and those physically dead human
souls/spirits/ghosts, especially if they are malicious human
spirit-souls-ghosts just like they more than likely behaved when they were
physically alive, usually attack when you are asleep as that is when your
defenses are down and you are at your most susceptible to them – and
having to live with human spirits-souls-ghosts in your home is not good as it
is like sharing your home with an unwanted house guest who does not help pay
the rent and whose presence, energy and behavior you have to often annoyingly
and sometimes quite frighteningly experience – and that is why this physical
planet earth plane is only for the physically living as the spirits of the
non-physically living can cause harm from fear, annoyance, anxiety, anger and
accidents and thus also possible death to the physically living - and the
longer the spirits/souls of the physically dead wrongfully hang around this
physical plane of our planet earth and also possibly haunt the physically
living here then I believe the longer and harder it will be for them when they
do eventually go into the spirit-realm before they possibly reincarnate
back into a physical body on this physical plane of our planet earth again –
and it is in this context that I also believe that it is possibly wrong in this
day and age to still perform animal totem-worship as it is possibly keeping the
physically dead animal’s spirit-soul from going into the spirit-realm and also
possibly into its next physical incarnation in our evolutionary existence - and
in terms of deities and their worship by humans I am still not sure if those
deities are the spirits/souls of humans who have somehow learnt to have power
in the physical realm to then appear and exist as deities to humans even though
they are no longer physically living and they maybe should instead move into
the spirit-realm and ultimately possibly their next incarnation in our evolutionary
existence – and also twice I have been woken with a female spirit having sex
with me when I was asleep – and it is from these supernatural spiritual
metaphysical experiences that I know from actual experience that the human
spirit-soul exists - and these metaphysical supernatural spiritual experiences
somehow still occurred whilst I was enslaved and surrounded by secular, cruel,
corrupt, corporate people in that horrible physically had and mentally mundane
manual labour job - and now here I am living in the sacred site of a cemetery
and being fed my nightly meal by the church charity food van - So I am still
surrounded by and living in a way too often very shallow, secular society that
is controlled by too many cruel, corrupt corporations – but metaphysical
spirituality is still in my life through the charity of the church charity food
van who I go and get my nightly meal from each evening who I thank for their
charity and I am grateful even though I am not a Christian - and also by having
my metaphysical-supernatural-spiritual beliefs living here in this subterranean
catacomb chamber room on this memorial religious sacred site of the cemetery.
© Copyright Adam Shane Lawes
