Romance
Is Rape By Seduction
By
Adam Shane Lawes
MY DIARY DIGITAL
DATA ENTRY 109 OF 145
In my life - especially through all the harshness
and hardship - such as all the abuse and exploitation that I have experienced
in my life - I have to hold onto hope as much as possible to get myself through
and keep myself physically alive - And this obviously also includes now that I
am homeless and hiding out here and living underground alone and isolated in my
catacomb chamber room here at Melbourne cemetery - However I do go through
times - especially some nights like tonight - when hope is hard to find and
hold onto - and then the self-doubt creeps in under my skin and makes me feel
so anxious, alone and afraid - which is what is now happening to me tonight -
because right now being homeless and hiding out underground here at the
cemetery - and dwelling on my horrible past - and not just all the abuse and
hurt that has been done to me in my life - but also all the abuse and hurt that
I have caused to other people specifically through my two sex crimes which I
have explained in specific detail previously here in my diary data entries -
and which I mentally analysed and worked myself through as my own personal
therapist in my life now on many nights and in many of my diary data entries
specifically throughout this past month of my intense personal analysis and
diary data entry writing - but for some reason tonight I have started to now
feel a sense of emotional torment which is making me feel like an emotional mess
- despite the fact that I have done so much mental work and achieved so much
understanding and self-awareness through my personal self-analysis - especially
throughout this month of June - for now it is like I am being hit by the
emotional impact of who I am and the wrongful sexual behaviour that I have
personally previously done in my life - which despite the mental understanding
and insight and personal admittance and self-acceptance that I have reached
over the last month - it now feels like I have to emotionally face and
emotionally deal with and emotionally feel the wrongful aspects of myself -
especially in the emotional context of my past wrongful sexual behaviour - for
now it seems that over the past month of my intense and often harrowing personal
self-analysis and writing here in my diary data entries - I have been able to
understand my past sex crime and feel mental - however now that I have reached
the ability to do this - I have now suddenly realised that I do not
unfortunately feel the necessary emotional regret within myself for my past
wrongful sexual behavior that I have repeatedly previously described and
apologized for here in my diary data entries - as by doing so I have finally
reached the ability to feel mental remorse for my past wrongful sexual
behaviour - however as I have now also stated - now tonight I have suddenly
realised that I am not yet capable of feeling any true emotional regret for my
past wrongful sexual behaviour - and this emotional realisation has now tonight
immersed me into a state of emotional torment and I now feel like I am an
emotional mess - and for the first time in my life - despite all the abuse,
hardship and real-life horror that I have experienced in my life - I am now for
the first time getting suicidal thoughts because of this overwhelming sense of
impending emotional regret that I am now beginning to feel - and so now at this
stage of my life and my existence - and homeless and hiding out and living
underground here at the cemetery - I am starting to consider if this is where I
really belong - except instead of surviving and keeping myself alive and hidden
underground here at the cemetery - because of this horrible psychopathic sexual
predatory male monster that I was - maybe I should commit suicide - however now
having just written this - as I just stated I have never considered suicide
before - and I hate to feel physical pain - and I would not know how to
successfully commit suicide and nor would I know how to commit suicide without
feeling the necessary physical pain that would be required for me to commit
suicide right here and now underground here at the cemetery - and in addition
to this - in considering suicide - I am also afraid at what would happen to my
spirit-soul-ghost if I committed suicide - because I would be sent to some
horrible dwelling place of punishment for committing suicide in the underworld
of hell and I would have to repeat over and over why I committed suicide until
I was supposed to naturally physically die in this lifetime now and then I
would be made to repeat the circumstances of this life all over again and go
through the same types of abuse, hardship and real-life horrors again because I
committed suicide and did not achieve the necessary realisations and personal
understanding that I was suppose to in my life because I committed suicide and
so I will not commit suicide as I know and want to definitely keep living and
learning and analysing and feeling and writing here in my diary data entries
and keep creating in this life in this eternal evolutionary never ending
existence we are all in.
© Copyright
Adam Shane Lawes
