Romance
Is Rape By Seduction
By
Adam Shane Lawes
MY DIARY DIGITAL
DATA ENTRY 121 OF 145
Tonight Alice has just left my dark, dungeon
catacomb chamber tomb room in tears to go back and sleep in her own lush, cozy
catacomb chamber tomb room home here at the cemetery - as Alice approached me
when I first woke up by coming down into my catacomb chamber tomb room and
asking me if she could talk to me tonight as she had something important and
distressful which had been playing on her mind for some unknown reason lately -
and which she said she wanted to confess to me about tonight - and so after we
got back from getting our nightly meal from the church charity food van at the
city's industrial market warehouse carpark - Alice came straight back down here
with me into my catacomb chamber room - which tonight also became a
confessional catacomb chamber room for Alice - (usually it is only me doing all
the confessing from my catacomb chamber room through many of these diary data
entries of mine) - however tonight it was Alice who did all the confessing as
she was deeply distressed and an emotional wreck all night from the moment she
woke me up at the start of this evening from a very vivid nightmare that jarred
disturbing memories from her childhood - and which Alice said that such a vivid
and disturbing nightmare was probably a result of her rapid diazepam withdrawal
that she had done since she lost her job and began living here in the cemetery
- as now that Alice was no longer being psychologically (which is also
obviously physically) abused by cruel, conservative corporate customers that
she had to serve in her counter sales position at the conservative, corporate
cafe that she worked in until she was recently fired and made homeless - Alice
said that she was now reducing her diazepam dosage that she takes to treat her
anxiety as she no longer needs to over-medicate herself because of all the
anxiety causing abuse that she was receiving in her last job now that she is no
longer working there - and so now living here at the cemetery Alice has begun
to reduce her diazepam dosage down from the high daily dose that she was on -
both because she is no longer working in the horrible, cruel, conservative
corporate cafe - and also because she is now homeless and living here at the
cemetery she has to be practical and ration out the diazepam that she has until
she can find a way to be able to financially have her next prescription filled
- and so Alice has been reducing her diazepam dosage - however she may be
reducing her diazepam dosage a little too rapidly if she is having such vivid
and upsetting nightmares as she said nightmares can be a result of diazepam
reduction and/or withdrawal - and so after initially waking me up earlier this
evening after she had her very vivid and upsetting nightmare - Alice then
remained upset and deeply distressed right through to the time she left weary
and emotionally worn out not long ago when she had finished confessing and
crying through this night - as then she wanted to go back to her own catacomb
chamber room to sleep all her emotional hurt away - For tonight Alice had to
tell me about an aspect from her childhood that disturbed her - as Alice was
born here in this city of Melbourne in this state of Victoria in this country
of Australia - and in the suburb of Heidelberg here in Melbourne - to parents
who are of German descent and who divorced when Alice was very young - with her
father abandoning them leaving her mother to bring up her and her brother who
is two years younger than Alice - and Alice was not actually abused or
neglected outright when she was growing up - however both her and her brother
were emotionally and mentally ignored and given no attention nor affection by
her mother - as her mother spent most of her spare time in relationships - or
breaking up from relationships - with other men after she got divorced from
Alice's father - And so consequently - as Alice regretfully and tearfully told
me tonight - her and her slightly younger brother began to kind of
instinctively seek emotional affection and attention with each other - which
Alice said that for her looking back now was all okay - until they both reached
the period when the onset of puberty is approaching or is just starting to
happen - and it is then that Alice broke down sobbing and crying with her face
in her hands as she then told me that for a few years during the early years of
puberty she and her slightly younger brother engaged in acts of a sexual incest
nature - and Alice said that at the time those acts did not seem wrong to her
and her younger brother - because back then to her it just felt like a natural
progression from the non-sexual attention and emotional affection that she and
her slightly younger brother had sought in each other in their pre-pubescent
years as they grew up in a home where there was no attention, emotion nor love
given to them - however Alice said that now that she is older - thinking about
it makes her feel horrible and messed up - as now it does feel personally wrong
to her - not just because it is a taboo in society and society says that it is
wrong - but also because she said that she somehow innately feels that is wrong
also - but without knowing why as the reasons why it is specifically wrong to
her are too sublime too understand and know why she now feels it was wrong for
her and her younger brother to engage in acts of a sexually incestuous nature
during their early pubescent years - and then Alice broke down and cried even
harder as she said that she was the one who instigated the sexually incestuous
acts with her brother because she was slightly older than him and was already
in the early stages of puberty - and Alice then cried harder and said again
that at the time it did not feel wrong to her - as it just felt comfortable and
pleasurable performing acts of a sexually incestuous nature in which her and
her brother would sexually play with each other - as that was the only
pleasure, feeling, attention and emotion that was desirable to them back then
as they entered into puberty in a home that was not pleasurable as their was no
attention, emotion nor love given to her and her younger brother - and so Alice
said that is why it felt comfortable and it felt good to them - and that is why
her and her slightly younger brother had a sexually incestuous relationship in
their pubescent years when they were growing up - and so after Alice emotionally
broke down and told me her story from her past that had suddenly emerged from
her subconscious and haunted her tonight - I told Alice about the sexually
incestuous behaviour that I had witnessed my stepsister and stepbrother doing
in the horrible stepfamily home that I was in from the age that I was eleven
years old until I was sixteen years old - and which I have described the
real-life horrors of that horrible home previously here in my diary data
entries - and I also did my best to comfort Alice by telling her that when I
was a drug user and a drug dealer since I was a teenager - especially when
being around some people on the drugs LSD or ecstasy - or coming down off those
drugs - there were some people who either I witnessed trip out badly because
the LSD released suppressed memories from their childhood which for some people
were specifically related to sexual-incestuous games that they played with a
sibling or a cousin and which were now disturbing them as they regretted what
had happened now that they were older and also suddenly faced with the vivid
images and recollection of what had happened as the LSD drug helped release
those suppressed memories from their childhood - and also when it came to the
drug ecstasy - I also witnessed some people going into a form of depression and
mild psychosis when they were coming down after using too much ecstasy because
their mind was filled with thoughts about their childhood that they were
usually able to block out and which also for some people were specifically
about childhood sexually incestuous games that they played when they were
younger and which now that they were older they regretted - and I then said to
Alice that childhood sexual behaviour that disturbs people and which they
regret when they get older is probably responsible for many people's drug
and/or alcohol abuse and/or addictions - and also maybe many suicides because
when some people get older they are so distraught with regret as they
personally feel tainted and polluted - and they also feel as if sex has been
personally polluted, tainted and ruined for them in a lot of ways of for the
rest of their remaining life because of their personally regretful pubescent
sexually incestuous behaviour that they engaged in as a teenager when they were
too young to know and feel why it is wrong to them - however once they are
older they then personally feel and regret their pubescent sexually incestuous
behaviour - and also in that context I also said to Alice that back then I can
remember distinctively that for some reason a lot of people that I witnessed
and heard confess their regretful teenage sexually incestuous behaviour when
they were older as it was somehow being forced out of their suppressed memory
from their subconscious and into their conscious thoughts were all around the
age of 22 years old - and I do not know why - maybe it is because in an
astrological sense the planet Saturn which can hold you down in order to make
you deal with a personally difficult issue or issues until it lets you move on
if you do actually allow yourself to deal with that personally difficult issue
or issues as that planet Saturn comes into your life and astrologically -
emotionally - mentally and metaphysically every 7 years - and so in that
abovementioned context and the 7 year cycle of the planet Saturn - the possible
personally difficult issue or issues that Saturn would be maybe making many
people deal with at the age of 22 years old would more than likely be the
previous 7 years of their life which is mostly their teenage pubescent years
and what they experienced during those years that maybe a difficult personal
issue or issues for them to face and deal with - and so in that context at the
age of 22 years old Saturn is then trying to make them deal with their personal
issue or issues - which is also probably why the planet Saturn often gets
demonised because many people do not want to face and deal with difficult
issues in life and existence - which is also why I then said to Alice that a
lot of people turn to drug and/or alcohol abuse and addiction to block out the
recently risen suppressed disturbing memories that they have been shown and are
being forced to try and face and deal with - however by using drugs and/or
alcohol (which is also obviously a drug) - or anything else for that matter -
to block out their lesson or lessons they do not move on from it through the
emotional and mental hardwork of facing, working through and emotionally and
mentally understanding their personal issue or issues that they are being shown
and faced with - and so the next time that the planet Saturn comes into a
person's life is for their very important Saturn return period which only
happens every twenty-eight years and lasts for approximately around two to two
and a half years depending on the individual's astrological birth blueprint
personal chart - and so in that context - in a person's Saturn return period at
the age of 28 years old - a person would then be also faced with those same
issues again in a full on way if they blocked them out and did not deal with
them at the age of 22 years old - however Alice then said that at the age of 22
years old she was not abusing drugs then (and she does not like or drink
alcohol) - however Alice said that at the age of 22 years old she was too busy
and pre-occupied dealing with her massively changed circumstances when she had
to move out of the once bohemian suburb of Fitzroy and her beloved bohemian
cafe' job and go work in the horrible, cruel, conservative corporate cafe where
she was enslaved for so long - and then Alice said that if Saturn does hold
people down in life to try make them deal with their personally difficult issue
or issues - then because she is now 27 years old her important Saturn return
period is now rapidly approaching - and so besides what Saturn may already do
to her life soon as her Saturn return period approaches and begins - which from
recent events in Alice's life it seems to be already starting to have its
influence on her life - Alice said that maybe why she is now being forced to
face and deal with her recently risen suppressed disturbing memories of her
personally regretful sexually incestuous behaviour with her slightly younger
brother that they did in their teenage pubescent years - and so then
emotionally worn out and upset and tired Alice said that she needed to go back
to her own catacomb chamber room to sleep her hurt away for the rest of tonight
- and so finally as Alice left to go back to her own personal and comforting
catacomb chamber room - I said to her that there are probably many people who
engaged in sexually incestuous games when they were younger - for whatever
reason - and at the time they were too young to know and feel that it was wrong
- especially if a child is abused and/or neglected and/or ignored and not given
any love or pleasure in their life because of incompetent and wrongfully
behaving and living parental figures.
© Copyright
Adam Shane Lawes
