Romance
Is Rape By Seduction
By Adam
Shane Lawes
MY DIARY DIGITAL
DATA ENTRY 8 OF 145
The following is my personal statement about the
families that I lived in until I ran away from home in shame when I was sixteen
years old. The first family that I lived in was my birth family in Adelaide and
then in the trailer park on the Gold Coast until I was seven years old when due
to changes in divorce laws and the hedonistic, drunken chaos of the trailer
park and the breakdown of marriage and monogamy, amidst affairs my parents thus
divorced. And then when my parents divorced when I was seven I lived with my
mixed Anglo-Saxon-Australian father in a cheap rundown flat above a takeaway
food shop until I was 11 years old, whilst my blood-sister went and lived with
my Anglo-Saxon-Australian mother and my Maori-Australian stepfather. And in
regards to my blood-sister, my first real childhood memories of her are after
my parents divorced when she became an increasingly extremely spoilt brat and
also a very nasty person towards me back then, and now analysing her behaviour
at this stage of my life and in light of what I later found out about my
stepfather sexually molesting her when she began puberty, when many years later
as an adult she broke down and cried and told me, and which after asking her
what she wanted me to do about it she said she wanted an apology letter from
our stepfather for what he did to her – which after two years of psychological
warfare I finally got an apology letter from my stepfather for her which he
bravely wrote and she then eventually courageously forgave him in what has been
so far the only real healing in my family. Because in terms of myself I am
still so messed up from my years of horrific abuse that I went through from the
age that I was eleven years old until I was sixteen years old from my
stepfamily on the North Coast of New South Wales here in Australia where they
were all Anglo-Saxon Australians. And this is where I saw my birth blood
father’s true colours as he was a very weak male and a coward and a workaholic
and sport addict who hid in his workaholic and sport addictive behaviour in
order to block out his personal problems and not deal with them and to
literally work and run from all of his problems instead. And as a teen, the
only similarities I could see between my birth-father and my stepfather were
that they both became shorter than me and back then would occasionally and
wrongfully lash out and psychologically belittle me because they were both
seemingly insecure about their shorter height, which I otherwise would not have
even noticed or thought about - as at 177cm tall I am of what is socially
considered of average male height - and there are many males who are shorter
than me who unlike my father are very aware and artistic and interesting and
intense and powerful people - so at the end of the day the height of a person
is not an issue unless that person makes it one regarding their personal
outlook and attitude and the way that they behave - and secondly regarding my
family, both my birth-father and my stepfather were workaholics who preached
and prided themselves on their work ethic - however in hindsight they were both
workaholics and preached and prided themselves on their work ethic for
different reasons – plus at the end of the day all their work and work-ethic
was for their own self-gain. Because my stepfather was obviously priding
himself on being a workaholic and his work-ethic to try and block out his guilt
for sexually molesting my birth-sister. Whilst my birth-father was obviously
priding himself on being a workaholic and his work ethic to try and keep not
dealing with his personal problems which was a failed first marriage and then
based entirely and wrongfully staying in a horrible and failing second marriage
which was a blatant mistake to an extremely cruel, malicious abusive woman who
was my stepmother. For my stepmother was an extremely cruel, malicious and
abusive person to me, which was made even worse whenever she drank alcohol
including her bad-mood alcohol hangovers which made her even more cruel and
psychologically abusive towards me. And my malicious, abusive stepmother
controlled everything, and most of the family finances went to funding her
expensive horse farm that my father got for her which cost a fortune to run as
the horses were treated like royalty if they won prizes for her or abused and
destroyed if they couldn't - whilst I was continually and constantly extremely,
maliciously and cruelly abused there on that horrible horse farm home - because
part of my abuse was being made to go around and pick up the horse manure on
that six-acre horrible horse farm which my stepmother would then sell as
fertilizer to try make more money as besides being extremely malicious and
cruel she was also an extremely greedy person. And my stepmother had two
children of her own - a son who was one year younger than me - and a daughter
who was three years younger than me - and my foster stepbrother and foster
stepsister were performing acts of direct brother and sister by blood, sexually
incestuous games from a young age because as looking back as children we were
all so sexual from a young age - however unlike in previous eras in history
when we humans were often having children from the onset of puberty at around
12 years old to 13 years old - now in this day and age that obviously
seems way too young and all the sexual experimenting games we play when we are
too young to know why it is actually wrong is what messes the minds of so many
of us when we get older and know better and regret what we sexually did at too
young an age - which is why parents need to talk to their children about sex at
the right age to avoid these later regretful sexual experimenting games
children can play - and also to obviously protect children from being preyed
upon by pedophiles because although children can be sexual from a young age -
all children must and need to be protected from sexual behaviour that they are
not yet meant to do when they are at too young an age. I know because I walked
in on one of their sexually incestuous game sessions one evening when my
blood-father and stepmother were both still at work. Then when one of my
cousins came to visit, a girl the same age as me, for the first time in years I
had a family member to properly talk to, and my stepbrother and stepsister were
obviously extremely concerned that I would tell her that they were having a
brother and sister sexually incestuous relationship, so they tried to frame me
for having an incestuous sexual relationship with my cousin by saying that they
witnessed their false allegation of sexual interaction between me and my
cousin. Then when my malicious stepmother was told of this lie by her two
children, she laughed and said that it was probably true, whilst my weak
blood-father stood by and said nothing to defend me as usual. Then after my
cousin left with her parents who were my auntie and uncle and who told me to
get away from my father and his new family as soon as possible as they were
sick, cruel people, my malicious stepmother, stepbrother and stepsister began
to taunt me that they would go and tell all their family and friends, including
my blood-mother and blood-sister and stepfather about this so called incestuous
relationship that I'd had with my cousin - obviously to both maliciously taunt
me, and to also scare me into keeping quiet about their direct blood-brother
and blood-sister incestuous sexual relationship that I had witnessed them doing
whilst watching porn in my blood-father’s and stepmother’s bedroom when they
were out at work. And also when I first arrived to live with my stepfamily, I
had a pet stray cat that I'd found on the street and which had then became my
pet cat. And my stepmother, stepbrother and stepsister maliciously killed my
pet cat, and then after they did that, each morning before school, my
stepmother, stepbrother and stepsister would maliciously tease, torment and
taunt me about killing my pet cat. Also when I first arrived to live with this
new foster family at the age of 11 years old, I had my diary that I loved to
write in, and my guitar that I had been learning, and all my books that I loved
to read all taken away from me and I was made to go around with a wheelbarrow,
and for an hour before school, two hours after school, and all day on weekends,
I was made to pick up the horse manure on their horrible horse farm whilst they
all ridiculed and laughed at me especially from on top of their horses. And I
was also horrifically sexually molested there as I was sexually orally raped in
that stepfamily when I was 13 years old by my gay stepbrother and his gay male
friend who held me down as my gay stepbrother sexually orally raped me – and
because I had still yet to go through puberty properly like they had both
already started to go through, and because I was also terrified in tremendous
fear whilst being sexually raped by my gay stepbrother and his gay male friend
- my penis was not erect like both there penis's which had already started to
go through puberty were - and instead my penis was small and shrivelled in fear
as my gay stepbrother's gay male friend held me down whilst my gay stepbrother
tried to sexually orally molest me - but my gay stepbrother had great
difficulty orally sexually molesting me as my penis had yet to go through
puberty like their erect penis's which had already started to go through
puberty - and also my penis was not erect like their erect penis's - and
instead my penis was shrivelled in fear - so my gay stepbrother and his gay
male friend ridiculed me over the size of my small shrivelled in fear penis
which had yet to go through puberty and which was not erect like their penises
which had already started to go through puberty - and instead my penis was
shrivelled in fear and not erect and so my gay stepbrother who was trying to
orally sexually molest me after he and his gay male friend had ridiculed me
over the size of my penis which was shrivelled in fear and not erect and nor
had I started to go through puberty yet like they both had - so my gay
stepbrother then viciously bit my then small shriveled in fear and yet to go
through puberty penis - and until I started to finally go through puberty when
my penis then began to properly grow in size - in the meantime I lived in
extreme fear and extreme anxiety at the age that I was 13 years old because I
was so anxious that my penis was damaged and would not grow properly because of
the vicious bite that my gay stepbrother did on my penis when I was thirteen
years old when he and his gay male friend held me down and sexually molested me
and tried to sexually rape me when my gay stepbrother was trying to orally
sexually molest me and my non-erect small shriveled in fear penis that my gay
stepbrother was trying to sexually orally molest me was yet to go through
puberty and was not erect and was instead small and shriveled in fear which my
gay stepbrother viciously bit and then he and his gay male friend ridiculed me
over the size of my then small penis which had yet to go through puberty and
was not erect like their erect gay penis's were - And then to add insult to
injury as my gay stepbrother held me down his gay male friend then sat on my
face and right on top of my nose with his disgusting stinking faeces covered
anus hole and he gave me what they called a "choc nose" - which is to
cover my nose in his human faeces from his disgusting stinking faeces filled anus
- And after I was sexually molested by my gay stepbrother and his gay male
friend when I was thirteen years old on that horrible day that I will
unfortunately never ever forget - I straight away continually violently vomited
until only bile would painfully keep coming up in in that scalding hot shower
that I straight away went and had, and I also cried and uncontrollably sobbed
and sobbed for hours. And also every weekday morning before school whilst I
lived with this cruel, malicious stepfamily from the age that I was 11 years
old until I was 16 years old, whilst my stepbrother and stepsister watched and
cruelly and maliciously laughed, my stepmother would maliciously and violently
psychologically abuse me every weekday morning before school until I would have
a bad panic anxiety attack and I then developed asthma and I would get an
asthma attack so bad that I would then often have to be rushed to hospital and
put on an oxygen breathing machine and my face especially my lips would turn
blue from lack of oxygen and being able to breathe and I would be told to lay
on my right side by the nurses to keep pressure off my heart due the severity
of the asthma attacks which suddenly stopped when I ran away from that horrible
house of real-life horror and abuse when I was sixteen years old – But before I
did, at the age I turned 16 years old I began to plan my violent revenge upon
them – as I initially started training myself for an all out personal war
against them. Because I firstly I bought a replica glock gun from the war museum
over the border - And this replica glock gun shot plastic bullets at targets
for me to practice my shooting with. And so I would sit for hours each night in
my old caravan that I lived in at the back of the house on that horrible horse
farm property, and practice my shooting with my replica glock gun and shoot the
plastic bullets at the targets, and I would picture images of my stepfamily on
those targets as I shot that replica gun and bullets at them - (there wasn't
enough rooms in the house for me to live in - and I did not obviously want to
live in their horrible house anyway - so there was an old caravan that I lived
in down the back of the house on the horse farm which fortunately kept me away
from my stepfamily at night, and also allowed me to train myself against them
at night inside that caravan at the back of their horse farm). And besides
practicing with my replica glock gun, I also bought a hunting dagger and began
to practice throwing this at night outside of my caravan at targets that I had
made of my stepfamily. And I also began to physically train my body in order to
get my health into shape by running and lifting makeshift weights each night.
And as my stepfamily's abuse continued over the years, all my extreme anxiety
eventually turned into extreme anger and the desire for revenge upon them. So
at the age I turned 16 years old a violent plan and desire for revenge had
formed in my mind, as all my anger and desire for revenge had by then
manifested in a sexual manner towards my younger stepsister who by then at the
age of thirteen years old had just started to go through sexual puberty as she
became both beautiful and unfortunately she then also became extremely sexually
desirable and very sexually attractive to me. So even though I knew it was
wrong, I was so messed up at age sixteen years old including in my teenage
sexual puberty and all my abuse induced anger and rage at age sixteen, I then
planned to rape my younger stepsister whilst my stepmother, stepbrother and
blood-father were all tied up and made to watch, and then I would burn that
horrible house of abuse and horse farm down and runaway over the border and
back to the Gold Coast. And then as the months went by and my stepfamily's
abuse and my plans and my desires for revenge increased until finally it was
New Years Eve and there was a New Years Eve party on my father’s and
stepfamily's property for them and all of their family and friends to attend -
and it was here that I acted out my plans for revenge in front of as many of my
father’s and stepfamily's family and friends as possible. As firstly, as the
night and the New Years Eve party began, I went and stole and snuck away a
bottle of rum from the bar - (and I could now try to blame the alcohol as I
have so often tried to do over the years when I have been overcome with guilt -
but deep down I always knew that my desire to rape my younger stepsister was
already in me and the alcohol only gave me the extra edge and the ‘dutch
courage’ to be able to want to go through with it) – so then and there when I
was age sixteen years old at that New Years Eve party I went and sculled as
much of that bottle of rum as I could and then I staggered over to my
younger 13 year old stepsister and pulled her to the ground and tried to rip her
clothes off as I tried to rape her in front of everyone. However I was so drunk
on the rum that I passed out collapsed on the ground on top of my stepsister
clutching her so lustfully that no-one could pry me off her – so when I woke in
the morning at the break of dawn with my head pounding but sober and surrounded
by people who had passed out drunkenly watching me try to rape my younger
thirteen year old stepsister, in extreme shame I quickly got off her and ran to
my caravan at the back of the horrible horse farm and grabbed my small stash of
money that I had been hiding from some of the sales of the horse manure I was
made to pick up and then I caught a bus over the border and back to the Gold
Coast. And in terms of my plans, desires and actions for revenge upon my
stepfamily which unfortunately at age sixteen going through puberty it also
manifested in me in a sexually very violent way in desiring to sexually rape my
younger stepsister I am now truly sorry and filled with self-loathing and
regret and guilt and shame that I doubt in this life will ever go away – and
that is something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life - and
you can judge me all you want – So all I can do to console myself and get
through each day is to try and understand how being pushed over the edge,
especially sexually in puberty and at age sixteen, can then manifest wrongfully
and lustfully as it did for me towards my younger stepsister. And I have
tattoos of that hunting dagger on both my forearms, and tattoos of that glock
gun on both of my hands as proof and a permanent reminder of those horrible
years of abuse that I endured from my stepfamily - and also as a permanent
reminder of what happens to a person like me when they are pushed too far and
over the edge and may never be able to truly come back to who they were before
they experienced those real-life horrors that I have experienced and which I am
now still scarred by with the guilt and the shame - as I have to still live
with the memory of desiring and trying to personally and also publicly sexually
rape my thirteen year old stepsister when I was sixteen years old - which
I now publicly here on the global internet world-wide-web would like to
sincerely say sorry and apologise to her for trying to do so.
© Copyright
Adam Shane Lawes
