Romance
Is Rape By Seduction
By Adam
Shane Lawes
MY DIARY DIGITAL
DATA ENTRY 9 OF 145
As stated in my previous diary data entry, at the
age that I was sixteen years old, alcohol was the first drug that I ever tried,
which was in the form of rum that I sculled and used to try help get the ‘dutch
courage’ to publically rape my stepsister that back then I so badly and
shamefully desired and wanted to do anyway. So back then at age sixteen years
old when I then ran away from home and dropped out of school and moved back
across the border to the Gold Coast in the state of Queensland in the country
of Australia I then began to use illicit drugs and I also became a drug dealer
as well. The first illicit drug that I tried was marijuana. However I only
tried and used marijuana 3 times as I hated it, because marijuana made me
extremely paranoid and uncomfortable and it was in complete opposition to the
way my individuality and personality functions as it took away my
self-confidence and made my thoughts scattered with too much ambiguity and no
clarity regarding what was the right answer to the many overwhelming questions
my mind painfully in paranoia pondered- and I have never used marijuana since
and I will never use marijuana again. The next illicit drug that I tried was
the drug speed which I did not like as it made me feel too aggressive and the
comedown from it was too chaotic and depressing. The next illicit drug that I
tried was LSD, and which I used recreationally here and there for five years.
However now LSD is a drug that I will never use again. The reasons for this are
that LSD may offer immediate in-depth and insightful realisations - However
those in-depth and insightful realisations that LSD can provide are way too
quick and temporary to be practically integrated into everyday life - and also
the psychic powers and abilities that LSD may provide are also frustratingly
temporary and wear off when the trip finishes - So at the end of each LSD trip,
there is only the memory of the in-depth realisations, the in-depth insights,
and the psychic powers - but there is no practical natural ability,
understanding or process to naturally use, integrate and practice the in-depth
insights, in-depth realisations and psychic powers that can be experienced on
LSD – And in addition to this LSD can change and alter your spirit/soul’s
physical vibrational rate, which can then allow some people to channel, however
channeling is wrong as it can drag another human spirit out of the spirit realm
or even a non-human spirit from another part of the universe into your physical
body along with your own individual personal spirit/soul, which besides being
cosmologically wrong, it is also potentially harmful to both your own
spirit/soul and the spirit/soul being channeled – So do not channel as
channeling is wrong whether you are on LSD or not - And it is for those
abovementioned reasons that I will not use LSD again. The next drug I tried was
ketamine - and I do not like ketamine - I did the drug ketamine at one of my
friend's and his girlfriend's houses in the middle of winter - And we did not
know how much to use, so we just laid out quite long lines of the ketamine on
their coffee table and began snorting away in their lounge room - And then the
next thing I know I am sitting on a mattress on the floor, whilst my friend
tries to keep getting the fire going that for some strange reason on that
night, kept going out in their fireplace, and while he does this, his
girlfriend is staring at the roof in silence and with a look of awe on her
face. Meanwhile, feeling physically unable to get up off the mattress I was
sitting on, I suddenly feel as though I am being dragged by some unexplainable
and unseen force into a candle that is in the middle of the coffee table that I
am sitting in front of - and I have to grip my hands into the mattress in order
to stop myself from being dragged into that candle on the coffee table in front
of me - Next I start hearing a woman singing in an eerie angelic church choir
like voice down past their hallway and in their dining room - and seeing that
there is only myself, my friend and his girlfriend there - it freaks me out and
I have to go and investigate - However my ability to walk is impaired by the
ketamine and I have to struggle to get up off the mattress and as I do I prop
myself up against the wall - I then somehow manage to slowly slide down the
wall of their hallway to their dining room in order to see who the hell this
woman with the eerie angelic church choir like voice is and why she is in the
house with us - and after taking what seems like forever to get myself down
their hallway by sliding myself against the wall - when I get to the dining
room there is no-one there but the room feels unusually cold and eerie and I
feel an overwhelming urge to get myself back to their lounge room. So I then
slowly slide myself against the wall back down the hallway, and when I reach
the lounge room I slide down the wall and back onto the mattress again, and
then sit on the mattress by propping myself up against the wall. I then
suddenly feel my vision and the pumping of my heart both constricting at the
same time - and I feel as though I am about to physically die - for as my
vision narrows into an increasingly smaller tunnel, I can also feel my heart
constricting and having increasingly dangerous difficulty in pumping blood
around my body. This tunnel vision and constricting of my heart and its ability
to pump blood around my body increases until I begin to think that I maybe
about to die - and then I start to think about death - and suddenly my thoughts
are focused directly on Heaven and Hell - and then my narrowing tunnel vision
stops narrowing and my heart stops constricting, and I can feel my heart
pumping my blood around my body with less constriction - And then as I focus on
these physical aspects of what I am experiencing - my vision starts to tunnel
again and my heart starts to again feel very constricted and have increasing
difficulty in pumping blood around my body - And then my thoughts focus again
on the possibility that I am again about to die - And then suddenly I am
thinking of Heaven and Hell again - And then my tunnel vision stops narrowing
and my heart feels less dangerously constricted in pumping blood around my body
- And suddenly I can actually feel the presence of God above me and the Devil
beneath me - and both are battling against each other for power - and then as
this feeling overwhelms me - suddenly the ketamine wears off almost instantly
and I am staring at my friend and girlfriend who are also staring at me - And
the first thing my friend says is what time is it as it feels like at least 12
hours have past - which it definitely does feel like 12 hours have past -
However when we look at the clock only 2 hours have past for that whole intense
and quite frightening experience - And the next day after taking the ketamine
that night - my whole body felt lethargic and my blood felt like glue being
pumped around my body and I felt a mix of being slightly irritable and slightly
anxious - And that was the only time that I used ketamine and because of those
abovementioned reasons I would never use the drug ketamine again. Then the next
illicit drug that I used and dealt was ecstasy. And even though I used the drug
ecstasy a lot, I will never use the drug ecstasy again. The reason that I will
never use the drug ecstasy again, is that for me personally, it was never the
so-called love drug that it was claimed to be - and for me personally, the drug
ecstasy never even gave me a sense of empathy. Instead when I was on the drug
ecstasy, I used to just enjoy brooding and scheming about how I could be
successful with my artwork. And then for the next couple of days after I had
used the drug ecstasy, I would feel a mixture of being irritable, annoyed,
uncomfortable, frustrated and anxious and if I had binged use too much ecstasy
I would get a bad cold/flu for a few days afterwards along with bad anxiety and
depression. In terms of cocaine, it was another illicit drug that I used for
awhile and which I used by injecting it. However cocaine is also a drug that I
will never use again for two reasons. Firstly because cocaine was always too
much like a quick, cheap thrill - and the euphoria of cocaine would always wear
off way too quickly - and even for those short periods when I was really high
on the euphoria of cocaine - the self-confidence that cocaine provided always
made me feel as though I was walking and talking way too cocky and arrogant to
actually fully enjoy the euphoria of cocaine in any social setting - and also,
no matter what social situation and setting, that euphoria of cocaine would
also always wear off way too quickly anyway - and that is the reason that I
will never use the drug cocaine again. And the illicit drug heroin was also a
drug that I used for a period of seven years including the fact that I was a
heroin addict - and so now heroin is also a drug that I will never use again.
For I use to either smoke or inject heroin, including after I had used too many
upper drugs like amphetamines and cocaine - for a prolonged period - and in
order to make the come down off those upper drugs less emotionally, mentally
and physically painful through the process of smoking or injecting heroin. And
for the first year I used heroin I did so recreationally and I never used
heroin for more than 2 days in a row out of fear of getting addicted to it like
so many people that I knew around me were. And then in the second year I used
heroin I began relying upon it in troubled times and I began using heroin every
day and night and for the next six years I battled with heroin addiction. And
even though heroin withdrawal is only for 3 days it is 3 very long days and
nights of extreme pain and constantly craving heroin, and having really bad
stomach pains and stomach problems and also extremely bad body pains all over
my body, and an inability to sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time -
and then when I did sleep I would have really bad nightmares for those short
periods of sleep. Then finally after those 3 days of extreme pain of heroin
withdrawal, on the 4th day, feeling shaky and slightly uncomfortable, but no
longer suffering from anymore severe physical pain, my horrible heroin
withdrawal would finally finish – but then I would relapse and stupidly get
addicted again including once carelessly making the mistake of sticking the
needle of heroin too far into my vein in my arm and I instead went into my
artery in my arm which cut off the circulation to my arm causing my forearm and
hand to swell up so I had to go to hospital and the nurse there told me that if
the artery in my arm did not unblock in two hours I would have to have my arm
amputated which obviously caused me to sit there in shock but thankfully the
artery in my arm eventually unblocked and the blood started to flow into my
forearm and hand again and I was able to go home from the hospital healthy
without having my forearm and hand amputated – and I have also seen someone
dead from heroin overdose and I have nearly overdosed myself as I kept jolting
awake and alive again as I saw myself dying in possible past-lives – because
for example one possible past-life looked like it was in medieval times in
Europe and was I on top of a horse ready to go into battle as I was holding a
sword and I knew whoever’s side I was on we were outnumbered and going to die
but we had to charge into battle and try and win anyway, and as I charged
towards my enemies who were also on horseback brandishing swords I was knocked
off onto the ground and then I saw someone with a sword forcefully stab me and
kill me which fearfully woke me up with my heart then pounding as I lay leaning
against my bedroom wall awake again in this life from having too much heroin as
seemingly thankfully the universe did not want me to die then in this life which
I otherwise so easily could have done then from using too much heroin. And I
will never use heroin again - because heroin is a drug that shuts you down
emotionally, mentally and physically, and heroin makes you very apathetic and
boring, and the severity of the pain of that 3 day heroin withdrawal is another
major factor in my decision to steer clear of heroin and never use it again. As
I did make the mistake of using methadone to legally treat my opiate addiction,
and although it was cheap and legal it was in the end not practical as the
methadone wouldn’t last 24 hours and instead would only last about 20 hours
unless I went up on my dose by 5mg to 10 mg but then when I stabilized again on
that dose it would wear off after 20 hours and I would have to painfully wait
for four hours each morning until I could get my next dose of methadone
medicine to feel comfortable and pain free again – and because of this I
went up to 120mg a day of methadone– and then when I’d had enough off being on
methadone I reduced by jumping down by 2.5mg per day to 60mg a day and then I
painfully jumped off 60mg of methadone a day which unlike the 3 days of painful
heroin withdrawal the painful withdrawal off methadone lasted 11 days but
finally suffering in extreme pain alone I made it through that 60mg jump off
methadone and its very painful withdrawal by forcing myself to eat soup in
between rushing to the bathroom, and also exercising on the floor to make
alternative pain to the horrible pain of methadone withdrawal, and also doing
my writing art-work to get my mind focussed on something else and enjoyable,
and listening to other artist's music, in order to feel better to get through
that very horrible pain of methadone withdrawal - and after 11 days of extreme
pain by doing that I thankfully finally got off methadone. And in addition to
this regarding my prior heroin use I also contracted hepatitis-c from injecting
and I had to have six months of chemotherapy to get rid of the hepatitis-c
virus which despite being difficult I successfully made it through and
thankfully cleared myself of the hepatitis c virus. And finally the last drug
that I have used is the drug ice - and at first I smoked the ice but then I
began injecting it - and that ice rush is the best drug experience and the most
powerful and intense euphoric drug rush that I have ever experienced regarding
any drug - and even though ice is a form of amphetamine - ice is nothing like
the drug speed - and the ice injections have more of a euphoric rush than
cocaine does - but without all the annoying trippy side effects that occur from
a large cocaine injection - and also, unlike cocaine, that euphoric rush of
that ice injection lasts for hours and hours - And also ice is the drug that
has the most powerful effect on sharpening my mind and also intensifying my
libido sex drive in a powerful way - and to be honest I sometimes still crave
to use the drug ice but only in an occasional recreational, harm-minimisation,
partying, pleasurable way - And regarding recreational drug use this is a
serious issue that needs to be publicly discussed and debated including
changing our drug laws - because I personally do not like nor drink the only
legal recreational drug alcohol that kills more people here each year than all
illegal recreational drug deaths all combined together which is obviously very
hypocritical and unfair for people like me who do not like, nor enjoy nor drink
the currently only legal recreational drug which is alcohol - and obviously
there is always the question of whether to totally abstain from all
recreational drug use or have an economical and harm-minimisation legal
strategy for every recreational drug which is both fair and respectable for
every individual regarding their recreational drug(s) of choice and whether to
use or to not use recreational drugs regarding their own individual rights
regarding their personal-political opinions and decisions.
© Copyright
Adam Shane Lawes
